leave the best behind.

i am finally starting to realize how much blinded i had been trying to make this "commitment" ( as what my x-bestfriend termed our friendship to be) work out. am i not in the position to put pride for just once?

i am growing bitter everytime i grow nostalgic of what could have been a good brotherhood. i may have given too much but i never asked for something in return. well, i think, i should have just asked for it and maybe it did not come to this point where i never expected it to be.
i am not perfect. i may be overly sensitive most of the times but i am aware of what i do and i try to put back the pieces. it's hard.

this may come to you as a surprise but for me it has been a long standing concern. i was too quiet that it has grown stagnant. now that you are ending our friendship, let me share my thoughts, my rambling thoughts.

a poet said "tonight i write the saddest lines", today i do too.
they say friendship is a priceless gem that is why i keep them well, maybe too well that i do not give time for my self to feel that i am a gem too.

i don't want to be so detailed on this, i respect your right to keeping it to yourself. one day i'll forget about you, you'll see i won't even miss you, i know someone is going to be there for me.
i may not be the best but i tried to be. it is so weakening to think that it was so easy for you to decide to just forget about this "commitment", it has never been a commitment for me, and neither for you, i never told you to commit yourself, all i was after was the brotherhood, the friendship, you should have never asked me to be your bestfriend in the first place. i am not blaming you, maybe not on everything.

one day, we'll both realize how much this could become of a better ending. you never wanted to talk about it anyway.

you are Just Enough For a Friend, but you can not be the best, maybe not until you grow up and realize that not everything should be about you, that there are times that you should be the one to adjust to other people, start with your family. keep up to what your parents has been telling you to be, and life would be a lot easier for you. you are a wonderful being, you just have to be more appreciative, attentive and sensitive of the people and things around you. every dance has an end. step-up and prove to them how much more you could be. you know who made the wrong turn between the two of us this time. it was not me. do not turn back.

maybe for the first and last time i won't apologize.

today i am leaving my best behind.

foreplay of photos

i wish i could be

i don't want to frustrate God for wanting things He thinks may be too good for me or things that i should not be a part of, i tried and i failed because i loved.

"Let me in to see you in the morning light,To get me on and all along the tears they come, See all come, I want you to believe in life. But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away And when you find out who you are its too late to change"

i am not brave enough to tell you what i feel because i know things are still spinning crazily and haven't found the time to stop for you and make you finally realize what you should really do, i don't want to be too befitting of your doubtful feelings. i don't want to get hurt when you realize your heart still belongs to the one you've left behind. you may love me but when you find out who you really are it's going to hurt me more than how it will sting you, i wish i could be every little thing you wanted, all the time. Oh, i wish i could be every little thing you wanted, sometimes...

"Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound Let me hold you up before you hit the ground See all come, you say your alright But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away And when you find out who you are too late to change"

let me fill up the emptiness. i may not be better but i'll try to give as much of what i could give my self. i will look for your fears and i'll make you know mine. i will be with you, i want to be with you, i wish i could be every little thing you wanted, all the time. Oh, i wish i could be every little you wanted, EVERYTIME.

let me furnish your hollow feeling. i wish i could be every little thing you wanted, all the time. Oh, i wish i could be every little thing you wanted all the time. this time, every little thing you wanted all the time, oh, but i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away with out even making me try...

sing to me again.

Dear God,

each and everyday am i thankful for all the things (good or bad) that you make me experience for i learn and gain wisdom from them. i may not be as christian as others could but i hope you understand that i am human, i am sometimes weak that i succumb to sins. for that, you know i am very sorry.

the past few days has been tough, my father and niece were both hospitalized. i do not know how much more i could take from all the worries. i know that you do not give us challenges we could not surpass but i am in the midst of giving up. Lord, guide me and give me and my family more wisdom, strength, faith and understanding so that we may pass this test.

thank you for the people who stand by our side all the time. may you bless them too. i am sorry and i love you.

sincerely, your child,
jan michael montealto villanueva

Blahs in my return

my latest picture.

tell me, is there anything un-likable about me?

bakit ako iniiwan?

yah, maybe im still bitter, maybe i need someone to help me move on, ikaw, pwede ka ba?

*ismayl*

Alipin

"Di ko man maamin Ikaw ay mahalaga sa akin Di ko man maisip Sa pagtulog ikaw ang panaginip, Malabo man ang aking pag-iisip Sana’y pakinggan mo ang sigaw nitong damdamin

Ako’y alipin mo kahit hindi batid, Aaminin ko minsan ako’y manhid. Sana ay iyong naririnig Sayong yakap ako’y nasasabik

Ayoko sa iba, Sayo ako ay hindi magsasawa. Ano man ang iyong sabihinUmasa ka ito ay diringgin, Madalas man na parang aso’t pusa Giliw sa piling mo ako ay masaya

Pilit mang abutin ang mga tala, Basta’t sa akin wag kang mawawala

Ako’y alipin mo kahit hindi batid,Aaminin ko minsan ako’y manhid. Sana ay iyong naririnig, Sayong yakap ako’y nasasabik. Pagkat ikaw lang ang nais makatabi, Malamig man o mainit ang gabi. Nais ko sana iparating na ikaw lamang Ang siyang aking iibigin"

-shamrock

my heart is not a virign, i loved but i failed, not for the first time but it feels the same. i may have been an "alipin" but nothing more. my literature has missing pieces, still, i am back to completing what i don't have, maybe this time i'll dance slower than usual, a different kind of music might just give me the break i need.

this song WAS for you.

ako

Para sa iyo tunay na pag-ibig...

Napakahirap nga talaga nang ikaw ay masaktan, mahirap ipaliwanag, madaling i-kwento ngunit sa bawat pag bigkas ay ang pagsasariwa ng mga sugat.

Ilang beses na akong nasaktan ngunit sa bawat galos sa aking puso ay parang walang kasing sakit ang panibagong karanasan. Minsan nga'y nahihiya akong magkuwento sa ibang tao dahil iniisip ko na kahit naman maikwento ko ay wala paring mangyayari, hindi mababago ang kinalalagyan kong bote na unti unti nang napupuno nang mainit na tubig na dahan dahan akong nilulunod. Siguro nga mababawasan ang bigat nang iyong damdamin ngunit di ba mas masarap kung ang nakikinig sa iyo at nagpupunas ng luha mo ay ang mismong tao na dahilan ng iyong paghihirap?

Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan (si Danlen) " sa marunong umibig, bawat sugat ay bulaklak", masarap ang umibig, tunay naman, ngunit kakambal nito ang walang patid na pag tulo ng luha sa bawat butas na nagagawa ng tinik, ngunit aminin natin na sa bawat pag galing ng sugat ay walang kapantay na kaligayahan na ani mo'y walang nangyari, walang bakas ng luha at lungkot, ngunit sa bawat pag galing ng malalim na sugat ay nag-iiwan ito ng pangit na pekas na sa huli ay siyang dahilan ng pag pangit ng relasyon.

Sa kung ano man ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon ay masaya parin ako sa dahil i am still able to compose my self, live life, laugh and enjoy but i have to admit hiding the pain is what makes me hurt more. I am weakened by this experience but i will not fall for defeat. This is a battle i've won before, i just need time. Time fades the stains.

So help me God.
and so do you.

God bless.

This is what TOXICITY does to you

since i have nothing much interesting to write just yet because everything i do is pretty much the same, here are a few pictures taken after a hard day's work. the rest will come soon. i hope you guys like it. :) God bless. :)

with sharrie she says bagay "daw" kami

si sharrieban at ako

bakit ka ba pa-cute?

Oh, well

i have not been writing for quite sometime, i really don't know if people really care if i do or don't. the reason? my sched went crazy, had no time to think over interesting adventures i could share. my life has been so routinarish. :)

i want to thank the people who keeps on dropping by my site eventhough there's nothing much interesting to see and read. :)

my summer classes has ended but school work is like a continous everest. i already have invites for a series of performances (ramp modeling, hosting and dancing especially) inside and outside the school. whew! how's that for a "time-out"? :)

thank you nga pala kay juice at alex for tagging me. well, pagiisipan ko muna kung ano yung top 8 ko. :) napapagusapan nadin yan eh me kwento ako, here it goes...

it was a monday hours before our exam that i decided to go to mcdonald's uptown for breakfast and para makapagreview nadin, then i saw someone then this was how i felt:

1. nakalimutan ko na kaya nga pala ako nasa mcdo eh para kumain at mag-review, dahil sa kanya tapos na ang breakfast at di ako makaalis sa current page ng hand-out na nire-review ko.

2. di ko mapigilan na titigan siya kahit may mga kasama siya (nagkatinginan pa kami nung tumayo siya)

3. kahit mag-isa ako sa table, nung nagkatinginan kami i felt that we were the only ones present.

4 .kahit hindi sya singkit, (one of my must haves for "the one") eh nakalimutan ko lahat ng standards ko

5. pati nga pangalan ng friends ko at pangalan ko nadin ay nakalimutan ko when our eyes met.

6. i felt like floating.

7. i became deaf and mute, i could only see and feel.

8. i have never felt this way, feeling ko nung nakita ko siya, siya na ang soulmate ko. :)

nakakatawa noh? feeling ko talaga na-tanga ako nung nakita ko siya. since then, i kept on coming back, hoping we would meet but i always feel like living in the cold mountains when we don't. asar eh. di ko alam, i really felt swept off my feet. :) bakit ganon? pasensya na kayo ha, mejo sabog itong post ko. well anyway, ill be posting my latest pictures as soon as possible para naman makita nyo kung ano ang nagagawa ng hectic schedule sa isang ordinaryong tao. :)

thanks for reading.

God bless. :)

Wordplay

kanina nung nasa roof top ako ng college science building namin, nag-iisa ako then i was inspired to make a poem, mejo korny tsaka wala pa siya title, tulong naman oh, ano suggestion nyo... yung inspiration ko eh yung relationships that cannot be, yung tipong kailangan nyong humiwalay sa mundo para lang mas maipakita nyo ang pagmamahal nyo sa isa't isa

embraced by the breeze,

set forth to thy mountain

she waits under the cool blue sky,

let love warm each other's longing soul

indulge yourself in passion for there is no one else but you,

in your own world,

careless.

serene.

free.

hehe, korny noh? :)

Walk away

it's hard to try putting yourself in a relationship when there are invisible walls restricting your entry. an area after the police line, a no entry zone.

is it wrong to fall inlove with someone in a relationship? yes, maybe. but definitely it is hard. it's like painting a portrait with out the smile, a blank face with watery eyes of confusion and the pale colors of pain. it's a mixture of sweet and pungent.

why are we so hard-headed when we are inlove?

Let us not forget to...

"REFLECT"

pictures

eh king, diba sabi seryoso? labo mo naman oh!

"preso"

EMPTY

once in every person's life he encounters the feeling of "emptiness". a feeling of having less than what you want, deficits of what you expected.

i have experienced a phenomena of such kind. it's like eating my van heuten whole roast almonds with out the nuts, mcfloat with out the sunday, isaw with out the suka and tristan with out isolde. it's easy to explain but it is difficult to understand.

sometimes, do you find yourself wandering trying to decipher what else can make you complete? it is really hard to look for that missing piece of the jigsaw right? i could tell. sometimes i can't complete my puzzle too.

minsan sa buhay mo meron mga pagkakataon na meron kang ginagawa pero mapapatigil ka nalang dahil pakiramdam mo meroong kulang sa iyo, kung hindi man ay may hinahanap ka na bagay na sa iyong palagay ay kukumpleto sa araw mo o kung hindi man ay sa buhay mo na rin.

have you ever tried searching but you do not know what to look for? ironic is'nt it?

marami akong mga nakakausap at kakilalang mga tao na nagsasabing pakiramdam nila ay may kulang pero hindi nila masabi kung ano ang bagay na yun. nakakatawa pero aminin natin na minsan tulad nila tayo, pakiramdam natin hindi kumpleto ang ating pagkatao. pero ano ba talaga ang dahilan?

here's what i have to say...

this may not sound sensible to you but the least you can do is pay attention.

in situations like this we often put the blame to ourselves for feeling incomplete. it's hard to verbalize what we want because we actually don't know. we feel empty. but why do we always have to put the blame on us? is it not possible that the people around us are the main reason for this cold, dark, deafening query? in search for the answers we are too occupied making theories with out the hypotheses.

God made us equally but we are different from each other. He made us different to be able to complement each other. one soul is the drive of another's. we all have roles to play. some just forgets to act. that is what makes us feel empty. some people are just too lazy to fulfill their purpose. they become selfish and self-centered. they are these people who wants to be happy but forgets that other people's happiness might be depending on them.

i am not being judgemental or unfair in any sense but the truth really hurts. we feel complete but is it worth it when some just gets lost? sometimes we have to reflect on what our purpose is. we are all important in this world and with out us some things would be missing. in situations like this our life could seem so perfect and complete but ask yourself, is it wonderful?

like some of you, i still feel the emptiness sometimes. maybe, my soul longs for the warmth of another's embrace. we are all snow whites in some ways. we have our elves who serve as our friends yet as we lay inside the cold glass coffin under the tree, we are subconciously waiting for the kiss that would wake us to a life lived happily ever after.

Am i still making sense?

Im going to make this one short.

i have been writing for the past week. i do not care if i have readers. all i want is to express and not to impress. i felt so spontaneous for the first few days. i found it fun. i enjoy every line of my articles, and so does some. manang for one. she even posted her favorite lines on friendster. tish was another. what bothers me now?

i feel that i am not making sense at all! i've been to other people's blogs and damn! are they intimidating! i felt that my works are so childish. so self-centered.

well i guess now i should be more picky on what to write, what to say. or better yet do not at all. i don't know. your opinions do matter.

sorry.

God bless. :)

Settled Sunday

Paris in the Storm
-caloy is gone. thank God. he sure left one hell of a memory. it was about 11:30 in the evening of friday when i noticed the rain. i sat at the edge of my bed embraced by the cool breeze coming from my bedroom's window i slowly went to it and peeped through it's half-open blinds, saw the rain, my ears were suddenly hearing loud growls from the thunder. i realized, yes, it was raining. hard. i went back to my bed feeling a little cozy. it's good to be put to sleep by the rain after a long summer's month i thought. i went back to bed, hid under my sheets then sighed. then nothing.

my sister woke me up at about 8:30 in the morning, i fell asleep so deep that i forgot that my wake up time was at 5:30. she woke me up saying "kuya, gising ka na, ang lakas ng bagyo, un bubong natin sa grahe bumigay na yung isang poste!" then she followed it with laughters. i was struck at first then i knew everything's gonna be alright because my father had everything in hand. with lesser worries i told her i will go down in a few minutes i'll just charge my phone. she laughed then said "haha! wish mo lang! walang kuryente!! hehe.." what!!! i was caught off guard! i was too lazy to charge the other night so i was left with nothing but a bar that would not even last a day. so i turned it off and put it away and told my self "siguro naman low batt din yung iba kong ka-text hehe. kaya okay lang." that was my consuelo-de-bobo to make my morning better. i said okay, that's normal rain and no power. what else could go wrong? "kuya! wala nga din palang tubig! hehe! igib ka nalang sa ulan!" i was mad! if only i could blow away the storm. where the hell are the members of justice league when you need them!

so i went down with broken dreams and cold feet. i ate breakfast and saw that yep, our garage's roof has fallen dangerously low. our car was out of the garage bathing in caloy's free falling tears from heaven. i knew that surviving the whole afternoon is gonna be a challenge. the threat of boredom, coldness, and hunger (since the sari-sari stores near us did not bother opening, so selfish!) was at hand. i ate and noticed that as i endulged my self to the morning's pandesal and kape, caloy gets even crazier.

half of the day passed. i unseemingly fell asleep over the cold breeze, thunder, lightning and whistling wind inside my room. when i woke up, i was hungry. i felt the need to eat, but there was nothing available but spread and no bread for merienda. my father was too busy to buy bread. so i did. so i did.

i zipped my self up into my brother's eminem jacket, wore a bonet then went out with our big blue umbrella. outside, the wind was even harder than it sounds. plus, droplets of rain were falling faster and harder. i battled through the storm. i felt like paris during the trojan war. my version of helen?, the bread that me and my family would enjoy for merienda. i was wet. no, i was not wet, i was soaked. =)

and so we ate.

hours of more storm passed, my siblings and i tried to make ourselves pre-occupied to fight the boredom inside the house. i was busy reading my anatomy and physiology book. it was no fun. and so i closed my book and reflected on what was happening. outside, caloy gets even more furious, he hits our house with his mighty wind, gracefully showering us with his tears yet our house stands for us. keeps us warm, protects us from the mad fugitive, though it get's hurt and broken, still, it does not give up. who says the rain could be so boring?

now the rain has stopped. the wind blows gently now. i hope it is over. is it?

S.W.A.T

BANG! I am watching you!

Thank God it's Friday

Freeday Friday... almost. =)
-hah! friday nanaman but we don't get much fun on fridays. still have classes to attend to. yesterday during our nutrition class our instructor taught us how to make a meal plan for our patient. damn! was it hard! i never thought planning a breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for a patient's diet could be such a hassle! then we were asked to pair ourselves with who ever we want my mama tinay and i decided to help each other out. then she gave the case of our patient. a postpartum mother, 18 years old, 5'6" tall and weighs about a hundred and so pounds. mama did all the math (computation of the DBW, TER and the CHO CHON FAT) not that i don't know how i just had my mind pre-occupied of the meals i am going to serve the patient. i was pretty confident at first that i could make the "it" meal, we all did actually. then an hour and so passed, noise was everywhere inside the classroom. students are starting to give up! it was really hard! i think nobody really got out of the breakfast meal! and then...

student: ma'am ang hirap naman po eh! take home nalang!!

other students: oo nga po!!! sige na miss!!

instructor: hindi! tapusin nyo yan dito! asan na ba kayo? may nasa dinner naba?

student: eh miss, di nga kami makaalis sa breakfast eh!

(laughs)

instructor: sige kahit hanggang lunch nalang!

student: miss! miss! eh NPO nga po pala ang pasyente ko!

(everyone laughs)

instructor: (makes faces then giggles) aba! time na sige take home nalang!

everyone: yehey! woot! woot! St. John Baptist De La Salle, pray for us! Live Jesus in our hearts, FOREVER!

then the bell rings..

haha! what a class that was. btw, NPO is a medical term meaning "nothing per orem" or "nothing by mouth" meaning the patient is not allowed to eat anything. :) clever!? ain't i? hehe.

The song for people who are being underestimated physically, like me.

When I was 7 They said I was strange I noticed that my eyes and hair weren't the same I asked my parents if I was OK They said you're more beautiful And that's the way they show that they wish They had your smile So my confidence was up for a while I got real comfortable with my own style I knew that they were only jealous cos People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you There was a time when I felt like I cared That I was shorter than everyone there People made me feel like life was unfair And I did things that made me ashamed Cos I didn't know my body would change I grew taller than them in more ways But there will always be the one who will say Something bad to make them feel great People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you People are all the same And we only get judged by what we do Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then So are you So are you Everybody talks bad about somebodyAnd never realises how it affects somebody And you bet it won't be forgotten Envy is the only thing it could be Cos people are all the same (The same, the same) And we only get judged by what we do (What we do, yeah, yeah) Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then (Yeah, you) So are you So are you People are all the same (Oh, oh, oh) And we only get judged by what we do (What we do, yeah) Personality reflects name And if I'm ugly then(Yeah, so are you) So are you So are you

Hang-over

-finally, my thoughts are out. i hope person number 2 reads it just in time. kahit sa school i still felt the issue lying heavy on my shoulders, afraid that person number 2 might have read my blog and gets mad. well it's my opinion and it's my right to speak up. one thing i can do for myself without people telling me to stop. freedom of speech. don't make it a big issue. a few have reacted on it (being able to read my blog) their opinion affected me sooo much. it helped. person number 2 and i are still in good terms, we are good friends after all. :)

My latest photo

-thanks to fifi i have a new picture to display over at friendster (and here ofcourse). yan ha! nabanggit ko na pangalan mo sana naman eh magbasa ka na!!! hehe!!! this was taken before our performance during Mr. and Ms. La Sallian Ambassador, i was with gracey (my co-dancer) when i took this picture. ahm, well where's the other part of the picture? hehe. sorry. i cropped it for my own good. =) lol! sorry gracey! muah! i look a little bit cheezy here if you'd ask me. =) i do have a nice hair-do too. thanks to my buddies: the hair pirmer and hair wax by gatsby. =) my teeth looks good too. hehe! hala sige magbuhat ng sariling banko! eh kayo ano ba sa tingin nyo? okay lang ba??? hehe. feeling ko wala nang sense ang sinasabi ko. bukas na lang ulet. God bless everyone! ismayl!

Thoughts on a Thursday

Sorry seems to be the hardest word
- i am bothered. i really am. a few minutes ago i was writing about a different topic that i wanted to share with you but i cannot finish it. i was worried about something else and here's what it is.

before i logged in my own blog account i visited a friend's site. last time, i asked her to comment on my article about "the people i am starting to hate" specifically person number 2. i guess for those who know, it is very easy to decipher who that person is. first of all, i admitted that i maybe making a mistake that it could only be another misunderstanding. i did not make a silly move. or did i?

my friend left a comment on my article. she explained to me the points i missed. reading it made me realize i missed the whole point. (i guess). she said that i should understand people who are inlove that no matter how much they get hurt they never let go. i know. i once did.

im starting to realize my other mistakes. for not asking, not evaluating, not putting in consideration the opinion of others and being inconsistent.

i am strong, but every ranger has his own weakness. one of my many is friendship. i am afraid to lose one out of my own "aparador".

to person number 2, i am sorry.

as i end this, there is still one thing i want to tell person number 2. something i know this person could use to understand other people as well.

"REFLECT".

This one's for MOM

mother's day is near that's why i went out to find a poem for mom to start this letter. i found quite a few but i ended up ignoring them. i thought if i want to say something it should be original. it should be from my heart. well this one is.
my mom has been in the states working for the past 3 years, it has'nt been that long unlike some moms who never had the chance to grow up their children. my mom did. hands on. she worked hand in hand with my father trying to explain things that my siblings and i did not understand at a young age. as a child, i remember she was quiet. we lived with my grandparents back then. she was the ever understanding woman i knew. she did not get tired of my father's flaws. instead she loved him very much. she works so hard for us. until now, she never gets tired.
teary eyed as i continue, i admit i was never really that close to my mom when she was here with us. shame on me. i laugh with her, get mad at her but i love her. and i love her more now.
my mother had to leave for the states when i was in my sophomore year in highschool, back then, i never really cared about her leaving. i was still the selfish, self-centered brat. not until i reached college. when i entered college it was then that i realized how much i am missing. i had regrets on showing less love and care than i could have. for that i am sorry. as i grow older i realize more and more how great a mother she is. no words can ever describe her and her love for us. she never gets tired. she never forsakes us. it is true that there is no best love given than that of a mother's.

uncomparable.

my mom is one great woman. strong and brave. that is what makes me love her more. i know the whole family does too. to my mom on mother's day, thank you. i know my thankyou's will never be enough but i hope it reaches your heart and makes it warm. i love you. we all do. Happy Mother's day.

The After Taste

The After Taste
-last night i was here talking about my "secret love" i went to bed thinking of the "rationales" (just like every procedure in a checklist, everything has an explanation. a purpose.) i fell asleep never getting to evaluate my thoughts. they were all mixed up. then, i got out of bed at about 6 in the morning (30 minutes later than the usual) with concrete thoughts. the first few words in my mind were "never make someone a priority if that person only makes you an option". after that, i paused. as i was drinking coffee with my father i then realized maybe it was not love after all. yes! it was not. what i had was a sudden gush of emotions. very immature if you'd ask me. i should have thought of it first. as many times as i could. i don't have a deadline. might as well take all the time i need. im still young at 19 anyway. :) lol! it's really funny how love transform people. it makes us weak. oh-so-weak! but it's also the best thing that could happen to anyone. to love and to be loved. :) it was not love it was infatuation. :)

King turns 18 today

- maricris necio or "king" as we are fond of calling her is celebrating her debut today. she is funny, smart and sige na nga nice nadin. hehe! pano ba yan! 18 kana! botante kana! woot! woot! :) ano kaya wish nya for her birthday? i hope God blesses her more. she deserves it. well for those guys who are interested i think she is single. sa tingin ko lang ha! di ko sigurado! well, a person equiped with good looks and personality that matches her beauty? sa tingin nyo ba eh single sya?! that's for you to find out! happy birthday king! wabshoo!!!



Wacky Wednesday
-here is what my horoscope says today..."If you keep reaching for more people, places or things, you won't ever get enough time to enjoy what you have earned so far. Today is about taking time to establish things -- grow relationships and explore what other people are looking for in life. You just may able to help them get it -- and that sense of satisfaction is just what you need right now. You have a lot to share, a lot to teach -- and an awful lot to learn from others." the bottomline " you're reaching for higher goals, stop -- enjoy the ones you've reached so far." yah, siguro nga i've been working my ass off lately. i need a break. im already being a paranoid. lagi kong naiisip if i start to slack off i won't reach the finish line just in time pero naisip ko di naman tatakbo ang finish line palayo ng palayo, nasa dulo lang yon may tamang oras para marating ang dulo at hindi pa 'yon ngayon. kahit magpahinga ako mararating ko padin yon. kahit hindi gold ang medal ko hindi naman lahat sinuswerteng makatapos diba? :)

The People I am starting to hate
-lahat nga naman ng tao ay magkakaiba. there are some you get along pretty well with and sadly, there are some who are just not "be-my-good-friend" material. i could tell. i have some in my own circle.
Person 1 "The Selfish Gold digger"
this person is more than just thought to be thoughtful pero hindi naman pala. epal na plastik pa at abusado. you never know how this person treats you over your shoulders. i could not care less. yes, we are casual with each other. the normal "huy friends tayo ha" relationship. gusto ko siya dati. akala ko namimis-interpret lang siya ng ibang tao but the truth is i am the one mistaking this person to be all that (nice, thoughtful,trustworthy kind of things). grabe! abusado talaga! very materialistic and self-centered! ma-epal pa if i might add! kaya pala madami nagagalit sa kanya. now i know. if only we could talk. baka mabago ko pa siya. sayang kasi. there are more things better left unsaid about "it". komplikado. sanga-sanga ang issue tungkol sa kanya. all i could do now is to wait patiently and if i have the courage to confront (which i find the best way to counsel this person) "it", i might be able to make this person realize what she is missing dahil sa ugali niya. tsk, tsk. sayang.
Person 2 "In the name of LOVE"
we are falling apart. we know. this might be just another misunderstanding. love can unite people, it can also destroy. friendship for one. diba tish? ano masasabi mo? kilala mo siya. i could not elaborate. baka mabasa nya. :) hehe. lalo pa gumulo! i know my mistakes. try to know yours.

There goes that phrase...
-euripides said " waste no tears over the griefs of yesterday". ako, people sometimes get mad at me bacause of what i do pero i know what i am doing and i do it for a sensible purpose, i won't waste effort for things that will only bring confusion or even hate. i know i am misunderstood for so many things. i do not have regrets. i know i grow with it and so do others. it may not show in a snap but eventually it will.

I have to WRITE

ADIK
-it's funny how we get so excited of new things. like me, i have only been in this site for less than a week and i am always too excited of writing. it's like a therapy, it lifts earth out of my oh-so-weak shoulders. im starting to like it. i am addicted. it's almost ten, tired and wasted because of my colds i still went out to visit my blog site. funny. yah, im laughing at my self too. :) i have left over thoughts about tuesday and i know i just have to write.

Secret Love
-i am secretly inlove with someone, i don't want to tell so don't push me. i've been going out with quite a few, secretly. it's not that i am not brave enough to unleash these feelings, i just know this is not the right time. i am not ready. after all i just got dumped. :) i know this feeling will fade away. that's how life goes. i fully understand the commandments of being in a relationship. life taught me to. keeping it for myself makes me feel better about things. competition is tough. i have nothing much to give but my heart and soul, im just a boy but with you i am a man. i am not ready. im sorry.
im not regreting this feeling. im happy with what we have right now. you, me and them.
thank you for sharing thoughts and laughs, kisses and hugs, food and money and ofcourse friendship and comfort.
i love you now. we will see tomorrow.

The Morning After

The Morning After
-it's tuesday, obviously the day after monday, who would'nt know? :) yesterday i was here at about the same time doing the same thing, pouring my thoughts out. the rest of the afternoon went the same actually except for two new subjects and teachers of my summer classes. extra burden if you'd ask me. anthropology came first, it was scheduled everyday except sundays for three hours every meeting. i hope it'll be exciting as we are to study man. on our first meeting the teacher had an on-the-spot reporting about a certain subtopic he gave earlier. i was assigned to discuss about "forensic anthropology". i was able to pull through with it. thanks to C.S.I. Next came Nutrition it comes RIGHT AFTER anthropology. yes, we have no break! imagine, i have to be in a butt-burning situation without even a coffee break for the rest three weks of my life. disaster. that's how i wanna call it. yeah i learn but should going to class be a burden? hmph!

Tish and Tuesday
-it's another day. yes, it is confirmed. it is actually tuesday today. :) last night my very good friend tish and i decided to hook up a few hours earlier than our call time. what we did? nothing much. we helped or she helped me rather :) do some changes on my blogsite, it is not that polished but we are working on it. :) way to go tish! today, i am looking forth new adventures, friends, lessons and a good medicine for allergicrhenitis( check my spelling, harhar).

Bothered
-there are many things on my mind right now, things that bring threat, fear, enthusiasm and grief. i cant really express it, not now. im just bothered, or am i insecure? intimidated? i actually don't know. maybe i just feel alone somehow. i crave for feel good thoughts from just about anyone. i could use some help, free if i have to say. :)

There goes that phrase...
-i have this book talks on how giving people courage and all those good stuff. they feed you with phrases that will make you appreciate whatever you have that you dont pay attention to or things that you wished you had. this is one that i liked because it talks about DEATH, something we are all afraid of. i am. i also want to take it as a message from heaven. something they wanted me to understand after my grandmother's death. ( i am a lola's boy. i will always be.)

..." death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting the light out because the dawn has come" - rabindranath tagore...

i love you nanay.
i miss you.

Manic Monday

-I checked my horoscope for today and here is what t says..."The balance between your work and your personal life has been especially tricky lately -- take some action today that will ease the tension. Do what you can to put your career on the back burner and turn all your attention on a relationship. In discussing a conflict, cut to the chase. Beating around the bush will give both of you way too many chances to avoid dealing with what's really going on. It's like removing a bandage: It's less painful if you get it over with quickly."... well how's that for a starter? yah, my organizer has been beeping too much lately. all that work makes my life so routinary. the stars are right on track telling me to "ease the tension" i would want one now! :) but to turn all my attention on a relationship? NAH! well, it actually depends on what kind of relationship the stars want, im not into serious ones right now, im not taking the expense of being committed. im not ready for any. im afraid of not getting the chance of having unlimited, free of boundaries fun!. i hope the stars are not that much in a hurry finding me my "soulmate" (yah i know i've been praying to find one but i just want to see and not to actually have one delivered right now) i still have to run the mile and kick the ball into the goal. if they think im tired and so dumped up with work (they are right!) but i guess being in a relationship right now is not a good idea... friendship and family is all taht matters now but having someone leeshing you up in this situation??? YAE NA!!!!

- duty is over. (for the summer that is) i still have loads of case studies to pass. it is so hard to be a student, but i enjoy it. my first flunking grade in college is yet to come (sana naman wag na!). i had my finals this morning for NCM100 and damn! is it hard!!!! grabe halos wala ako maisagot!!! well i did my part nag aral naman ako siguro kasi kakagaling ko lang sa duty na sobrang nakakapagod my brain did not actually work beneficially for me, stressed out and everything it just did not work! argh! well lahat kami galing sa duty. hehe ang evil ko!

di ako nagiisa! nahirapan din sila! =)

Sunday mornings

-people often mistake monday as the start of the week but sunday is actually the first day of the week. so if they tell you to start the week right do it on sunday mornings. smile after getting out of bed, eat right, exercise and ofcourse go to mass. it's not that hard to sit down for an hour inside the church to give time for God in our busy week. i know with that He will make our week extra special. =)

-hehe. naguilty naman ako dun sa sinabi ko! i should be telling my self that! well anyway, this is a beginning of a journey, i feel like riding a chariot... fast, hard, scary and exciting. dun sa mga babasa ng blogs ko pasensya na kayo if i am not as good as any writer there is in this site. gusto ko lang makigulo. hehe.

-sino ba talaga si jeyem? im Jan Michael Montealto Villanueva, 19, im from lipa batangas, a proud la sallian, a striving bs nursing student, im a cheerleader, dancer, performer, joker (to da maxx!) and im a normal teen outside the pbb house. :) di ako magaling magsulat i just like writing what i feel like writing. if i dont have classes (which i obviously lack nowadays) i chill with my "superfriends" at treats (the shop of petron) near my school where we talk and laugh just about anything! ofcourse we like eating alot! :) i like surfing the net but im not good at it, i mean like editing and making sites beautiful and stuff like that well i could use a bucket full of help! hehe. i always want to be happy so i live in the philosophy of finding the good in everything that happens. like what i said im a guy who keeps all my options open whatever choices there are. mabait naman po ako, i dont bite, sting or does anything harmful, im a lover of peace. =)

-here's my friendster add nga pala please do add me if you want enzi_dagz@yahoo.com and my YM is enzi_dagz i am more willing to accept your invites just tell me who you are. =)

-well that is just about everything that i wanted to say today. smile.

-kung sino man po ang may magandang loob jan na handang tumulong sa pagpapaganda at pagaayos ng blogsite ko please lang wag mo nang patagalin! hehe!

-before i end this i want to leave a phrase that i have reflected on... "the only regret you should have is having regrets"... well i want you to tell me what you think paste your comment. Thank you and Godbless!

Guess How much I Love my Father

Attached here is a sample article that i did several months ago. My instructor at De Lasalle lipa told us to reflect and write an article on the song "Father and son" and how we can relate to the lyrics.I posted this because i guess it is timely since i find it hard to express my love after all these problems.This was what i wrote:
...my relationship with my father was not similar to the conventional father-son relationship that we often see and or read. mine was more complicated yet meaningful. since i was a child, my father always taught me values and always disciplined me. he corrected my every mistake. he punished me for every wrong doing. because he was a retired policeman he might have wanted me to learn how to survive on my own. to be independent. growing up as a child was never easy for me. ive had more downs than the ups. any child treated the way i was would feel the same way. sometimes i tell my self i wish he was not my father but then i realized that maybe if he was also given a chance to choose his son, he would have not chosen me at all. ive experienced so many things in my life. in my adolescence, as i remember, i always wanted to be with my grandmother (my father's mother) because i felt like at home, my father always treated me badly that id never wanted to go home. i did not want to see him, even hear his voice. ive always been a lola's boy. she knows how my father's mind runs. she'd always protect me and keep me. ive always thought i could have been given a better father. i really felt bad about my father. his words were to be taken as laws. because of that ive always felt bad. there were times id wish he was gone, BUT NEVER DEAD. i could not be more perfect for him. he never showed support, he never congratulated me for enery achievement. he wasnt even at my highscool graduation. he was all i wanted on my graduation since my mother is abroad. i expected him to be there with me as i celebrate an achievement. i never got any reward for every good did. he even scolded me on my birthday and graduation. as i enter college, i then realized i could have never been more thankful to my father for being one of a kind. scars were left behind but it taught me how to live, to survive and to look at life on a different way. if not for my father and his punishments, i could not be who i am. someone so matured, responsible, systematic and smart. i owe it all to my father. life wouldnt be easier for me. i grew from the tears. i learned from the punishments. i would have never been more proud and confident. before, i thought life was so unfair until i started to reflect on what my cousin used to tell me. she'd always tell me, "like all family's lives yours cant be perfect but it can be wonderful". mine wasnt perfect at all but it was more than wonderful. i know now that everything that exists and happens has a purpose. God could have never given me a greater gift than a role model, a teacher, a discipline officer, a hero, a friend and a father roled into one! it is true that the only permanent thing in this world is change. things changed around us. it was like magic that brought us back together. closer than before. i could have never been more thankful and blessed. in every beholder hold the world's greatest father, but for me he was more than that, he could have never been better....
i posted this as a medium so i could make others understand me, i find it hard looking fior someone to listen, i always keep things to my self, but now i guess i just needed to breathe things out. I know God never gives us problems we cannot handle, it makes me more relaxed. Godbless everyone.

SOON

This is one of my firsts, so watch out for my blogs. Well, as an intro i write what i feel like writing, i guess that is what everybody does. Im not a good writer i just like expressing my self. God bless us all and keep on smiling!